I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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