I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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