My liver just broke up with me...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So vagazzling was a success
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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