You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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