I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
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Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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