i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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