Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
