chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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