I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
