guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
