When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
