do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
