you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
