her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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