The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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