oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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