I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
