Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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