i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
