Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
