Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
