you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
