i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text