Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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