i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
