everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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