Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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