I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
