I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
