I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
