not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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