oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
