I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
