So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
