$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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