hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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