totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
