im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Randomize
