my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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