I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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