3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
