is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
