If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
