I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
