Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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