Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
