i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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