Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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