we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm like, not good at living.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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