Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
