I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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