apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
