Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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