Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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