True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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