East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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