Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
