You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
