Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
