Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
